If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
