If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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