8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
