My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Randomize
