my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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