I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
