I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
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