he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
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