I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
i will never coherently bang her
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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