how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
ttyl tear gas
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
