she woke up with a sticky ear
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Randomize
