I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
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