This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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