so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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