I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
