When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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