3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Randomize
