I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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