alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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