Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
