I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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