After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
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I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
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And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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