Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
