Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
