Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.