saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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