Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
