Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Will exercising make me less horny?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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