WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
