The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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