i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
