do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
You pole danced in your parka.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
