I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
