New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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