i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
