I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
