My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Randomize
