I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Vodka?
Forever.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
