my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Randomize
