he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
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On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
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i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
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