omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
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