my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
