He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
