you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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