You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
