Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
