Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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