I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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