Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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