i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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