and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
