I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
