the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
