He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
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he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize