Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Randomize
