I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
