we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Randomize
