I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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