I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
