At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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